A stare from across the room, don’t stare at me that way. Do you find I’m not good enough for you? Is that why you stare? Or is it because I disappointed you like I did her? I’m sure she’s sad….are you mad at me? You always told me to express myself and not to care what others think but I’m sure this isn’t what you meant. I’m sure you wouldn’t have minded having a son but this is different for you isn’t it? Because I used to be your daughter. Daughter in a fairy dress running around the apartment complex, god I’d never take that fairy costume off but you didn’t mind. When my sister teased me you scolded her and told her that I was going to be something special someday. You knew that I’d do whatever and wear whatever I wanted even if others didn’t agree. I’m sure this is not what you expected. I’m sure it depresses you to think about it because now you have to keep your word, that you would support me in being myself. Now I’ve become something I’m sure you don’t like but you still honor your word because you know whether you support me or not I’ll insist on being this person you don’t like as much. You are so honorable in the way you keep your word, In the way you hold your head high and push through the bad things. I hope you’ll grow to love me as your son because I promise I’m just the same as your daughter was, only now I’m a he instead of she and wear slightly different clothes but you know I’ve kept her style. I know grandma and grandpa will probably say I’m going to hell but you say no such things. I love you to death and I know you care about me too, I just hope you’ll see in time that I haven’t really changed at all.
I wonder, do you think me mad? You’re always asking what goes on in my mind. Are you afraid I’ll break again? I think she is. That’s why she left me. She could only handle one broken person and she already had an autistic brother…she didn’t need me breaking down too. I’d like to think I’m not as broken as she thinks but quite honestly I’m only slightly better. I still fall apart when I’m alone. I’ve just learned how to be slightly less depressed. The depressions not gone though, as much as I’d like to believe it…I’m just glad I’m not crazy enough to go back there. I still have nightmares about that place. I think that’s what she thinks of me when she imagines my mind. I think she thinks I’m still that broken child crying out for help. That abandoned person I used to be. I still have my issues but at least I’m not that person anymore. Hopefully I’ll never feel that way again…….I miss her.
It’s going to be a good day. It’s not usually the first thing that runs through my mind, usually I’m worried about what will happen in the day. For example I’m afraid of what my grandpa will say when he reads the letter. Will he be disappointed? That word has run through my mind a lot these last few days. I need to stop thinking that word. It’s not my fault I’m this way and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it either. If they want to be disappointed then that’s their deal. I’m quite proud of myself. Do you know how hard it is to ask everyone you know to call you a he instead of a she? At least with friends they’ve only called you a she for three maybe four years but family? They’ve called me a she for seventeen years! I’m still worried about what my grandparents will think. My sister will be happy I’m happy, my dad will do his best to call me his son but my grandparents? My strictly christian grandparents who are homophobic…..they’re not going to like this. Oh well, I know my grandma has made her fair share of sins so she has no right to judge me…..my sweet grandpa on the other hand……oh well. no matter the outcome, I know it’s going to be a good day today.